I’m such a loser.

I’m getting teary eyed over Joy Enriquez’s ‘How Can I Not Love You’. Pfft. Oh, and I talked with my ex’s cousin and told him that I used to have a crush on him, and he promptly told me about why I shouldn’t crush on him, since he’s been to juvey, and sold weed, and is ugly (he’s not), etc., and that he always tells girls this, but they still hit on him and he doesn’t know why. So I said people are always going to want what you tell them they shouldn’t have, and he agreed and such and then started listing his good points. I don’t like him like that anymore though, so he has nothing to worry about. He’s just a friend now. I might let him think I’m still crushing on him to mess with his head. He’d probably see through it though. And a guy I’m talking to now says he wants to be friends with benefits. That ho.

And now my lovely friend is drinking. The silly girl.

I forgot to write (type) here that my boyfriend broke up with me. We still talk almost everyday though. I think he broke it off on the 9th of last month. And, last night he tried to hook me up with a friend of his and he told me that he used to be suicidal. Not really good times…

I just got over tonsillitis a week ago, and last thursday I got a possibly malignant mole cut off and sent for…examination…or something. Good stuff.

Shit, caps lock. Well oh well. I’m itchy too. I think I’ll remember what to type later. Nothing bad happened, I jsujt sat where I was not feeling so good so yeha.

I need to sleep . I feel kinda special because this is my first time being drunk, but I dunno. I feel kinda lame fo rit happeneing. Let’s see what goes down in the morning. I was drinking tequila. Good stuff. Plus there’s the whole allegry meds thing. I managed to get into my house with killing myself walking down a hill and staris, while wearinfg heels. Skills. I has them.

The guys were acting kinda crazy (not in a sexual or dangerous way). They took a cloth, stuck in in won of the bodtles and lit it. They were trying to make a bomb or something. Meh
Night night blog…

Is so refreshing when you’re incredibly itchy for no reason. Oh my, I’m so relieved *bliss*

I’m not sure how to start this. I’ve been thinking about what I believe in, religion wise, and I can’t figure it out. There are so many different views and opinions, I don’t know what is right. I don’t want to say I’m an atheist or agnostic, because I believe in God, and in in a higher power, but I don’t know how. Actually, maybe I am agnostic, because I’m not even 100% sure that there is a higher power, or that I believe in one. I saw a reply to one of the pictures on postsecret, “I’m afraid of showing that spiritual side to myself. Because I don’t think I’m ready to understand.” and it messed with my head, because that’s how I feel too. I don’t even know if I want to open myself up to whatever it feels like to feel close to God. I’m so buried inside of myself.  I have mini panic attacks just standing somewhere public most of the time because I don’t want anyone to see me. The only reason I force myself out of my “shell” is because I want to see everything I can, I’m extremely curious.Of course, no one notices that I’m slowly breaking down sometimes. I’m a pretty good actress, and I hate when people ask me what’s wrong for some reason.

Also, I don’t seem to know how to cry. Whenever something happens that just pushes me over the edge, I hold the tears back. Even if I’m alone. If I try to just let the tears come down, I feel even more overwhelmed for whatever reason.

I needed to let that out. I didn’t really say everything I wanted to, but I guess this was a start. I feel better.

Yesterday I didn’t go to bed untill 6am. I was doing my homework and crap, scrambling to make sure what needs to be done got done. Around 5am, I decided to go to sleep, but not before getting myself something to drink. As I walked past my front door to go to the kitchen, I noticed a beautiful color light, and opened my door to investigate. The morning was coming on, and in a way I’ve never seen it do so before. I normally get up around 7am, and even then I’m usually grumpy and unhappy with everything that’s going on. This was different. The sky was filled the most lovely shades of pales blues and pinks and purples, reflecting wonderfully off the clouds. The air was cool, and fresh, and everything was still, except for the random crow of a rooster perched in one of my trees. My house sits on the side of a hill, with another hill facing it. There is a road between the two hills, and usually throughout the day I see cars on it. There weren’t any, there was no noise except for that damn rooster and the wind rustling through the leaves, and everything felt right. Then it started to rain, from the South side of the island to the North. My house faces West, so I saw the rain coming from left to right, and I loved looking to my left and seeing rain, then to my right and not seeing any at all. I loved watching the rain pass in front of me. I felt like I was the only one who saw the world in all of its simple beauty.  I loved the light of the early morning, I loved how some of the street lights were still on, it was amazing. Birds started to wake up and chirp, and sing, more roosters let their voices be heard, and I could hear the various animals that live around me, dogs, cats, deer, as they moved around. The sounds moved together like a melody, and I loved that too. Just as I wondered why I’ve never heard the world sound so pretty before, the last of the street lights went out, doors opened, and cars revved up as the rest of the world woke up and started their day. The melody stopped and was replaced by the monotonous droning of my everyday life. I went to bed after that.

I get my SAT results back on the 22nd. sweet.

I took it. Good Times. I don’t remember when I’m getting the results back. Oh well. Um…I’m behind in my coursework. Maybe I’m a horrible perosn. Who knows…