I’m not sure how to start this. I’ve been thinking about what I believe in, religion wise, and I can’t figure it out. There are so many different views and opinions, I don’t know what is right. I don’t want to say I’m an atheist or agnostic, because I believe in God, and in in a higher power, but I don’t know how. Actually, maybe I am agnostic, because I’m not even 100% sure that there is a higher power, or that I believe in one. I saw a reply to one of the pictures on postsecret, “I’m afraid of showing that spiritual side to myself. Because I don’t think I’m ready to understand.” and it messed with my head, because that’s how I feel too. I don’t even know if I want to open myself up to whatever it feels like to feel close to God. I’m so buried inside of myself.  I have mini panic attacks just standing somewhere public most of the time because I don’t want anyone to see me. The only reason I force myself out of my “shell” is because I want to see everything I can, I’m extremely curious.Of course, no one notices that I’m slowly breaking down sometimes. I’m a pretty good actress, and I hate when people ask me what’s wrong for some reason.

Also, I don’t seem to know how to cry. Whenever something happens that just pushes me over the edge, I hold the tears back. Even if I’m alone. If I try to just let the tears come down, I feel even more overwhelmed for whatever reason.

I needed to let that out. I didn’t really say everything I wanted to, but I guess this was a start. I feel better.